How to Find Fulfillment in Being a Mom Finding Yourself in Motherhood
The newborn stage can be particularly hard, but some of us find it hardest once the routine of motherhood sets in. After that, it can feel sort of like your life has come to a halt, or at least like you will be stuck in this phase of life for a very long time. For some moms, this never crosses their minds, but for others, it can be challenging to shift into the new identity of motherhood.
Becoming a New Mom
When I first discovered that I was pregnant, the first thing that I struggled with was being able to call myself a mom. I hadn't planned on getting pregnant so the whole parenting thing hit me from out of nowhere. It felt so strange at first when people would call me "mama" or "new mother" or anything like that, and I remember feeling like I was going to be a bad parent because I was feeling disconnected from the idea of being a mom. First, let me put that myth to rest: you are not a bad parent, and it's completely normal to feel out of your skin for something so new and unexpected. You are worried about being a good parent because you care and because you want to get it right. So here are a few tips I used when becoming a new mom to help me acknowledge my fulfillment in motherhood.
1. You Are Doing Important Work
The first thing we need to acknowledge as mothers is that we are doing important work. Sometimes it can seem like, especially if you had a career before becoming a mother, that the business world, entrupentuers, and businesswomen are doing more important things than you are at home. That's not true. Now that's not to say their jobs aren't important, but they are not immersed in the difficult task of raising and cultivating the next generation. As a mother, you are not only a caregiver, cleaner, diaper changer, and someone who says no; you are their teacher, their guide to development, their comfort, and the most important influencer in their life, and you have it within your power to set your children up for success in this life. That can seem pretty overwhelming - it is! No one said parenting is easy, but it is not insignificant. It is hard and tiresome, and some days it might seem like a task you are constantly failing at because it is just THAT HARD. period. But acknowledge the importance of your work, and don't compare yourself to those women who seem to be living more important lives out in the world of business. Because yes, that's their work is also hard and it takes guts to get there, but they, more than likely, chose that life, and depending on your situation, you might have been thrown into parenthood, kind of like I was. Also, those women don't have little eyes, ears, and mouths watching, listening, and copying everything we do at all hours of the day. Those women have other pressures in their workforce, but it is much different than the battlefront you face as a mother day after day. What they do is not unimportant, but it is not more important than your work mama. So acknowledge the fact that the work you are doing is important.
2. Enjoy the Little Things
This can kind of seem cliche but here's the thing, every phase is just a phase, which means almost nothing lasts when it comes to parenting. The sleepless nights, the constant crying, the spit-up, the poopy diapers, it all ends at some point or another, and when those phases end, so do so many other sweet things that accompany those more difficult times. So for example, my daughter recently started going down for naps exclusively in her bed as opposed to on me or in the baby carrier, which meant I was finally free to do whatever I needed to during naptime. Was this an amazing opportunity for alone time for me? Yes. Was I finally able to tackle the tasks around the house that needed doing? Yes! But was I a little bit sad that she no longer slept on me with her little cheek pressed against my chest? Yes, I was actually. And after almost three months of back pain and just feeling so touched-out and sick of always having this giant wrap or baby carrier strapped to me at all times, I thought I'd never wish for those days again. But the truth is I do, and sometimes it makes me a little sad that I didn't cherish those moments when I was forced to deal with them. As a busy mom, especially one who is just starting out and feels like they aren't really cut out for parenting, if you don't do anything, at least take the time to enjoy the things that DO matter to you regarding your baby, and to remind yourself that everything that is difficult is just a phase and although in the thick of it, it's some of the hardest crap you will have to deal with, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
3. I Get to Parent versus I Have to Parent
Something that I have found that can be really helpful when changing your mindset regarding parenting is seeing the tasks of motherhood as something you "get" to do, as opposed to "have" to do. So for example, I went back from work when my daughter was two months old, but I worked exclusively from home. I had worked out a deal with my employer so that I could work essentially whenever I could, and so I worked during naptime, playtime, or if my husband was home. Additionally, I had the freedom to clock out if I ever needed to nurse her, change her, or even just play with her. This obviously was a really huge blessing, so I don't want anyone to think that I am complaining because I know most women do not have this opportunity. But what I found when I was working is whenever I would have to feed her, change her, or play with her, it would be really hard to be happy that I was being interrupted from my work. In fact, sometimes I really had to battle frustration (not at my baby at first) but at the lack of time, I could spend at a time. I got frustrated over the hours I would get in each day and was discouraged at my weekly paycheck. But here's the thing, my job, which was really just supplementary income, is not more important than my little girl, especially when I knew this job was only a holding place for something better. Every interruption I got, was an opportunity I got to spend taking care of my baby, which most mothers don't have the opportunity to do. I get to nurse her on demand, even as a working mom. I get to be the one changing her diapers. And I get to play with my baby and engage with her every single day for hours on end. Most moms don't have that opportunity and badly want it. There will always be work to do, and it will always be something I "have" to do, but I will only have my little girl once, and she's someone I "get" to pour into and love with my whole heart. Take those "I have to" and turn them into "I get to." If you are struggling with middle-of-the-night feedings, instead of thinging, "I have to do this" say to yourself "I get to show my baby I love them by spending this time with them each and every night. I know this phase will end, and I will only have this time to do this now." By changing your mindset it can be significantly altering because when you suddenly shift from "this is something I have to do" to "this is something I get to do" you are acknowledging that the actions you are taking are a choice and that they are important and fulfilling.
4. Have an Identity Outside of Motherhood
This may seem contradictive but here's the thing, before you were a mom who were you? Maybe you were a wife, maybe you were single, maybe you were somewhere in between. But is that all you were? Maybe you were a digital artist, maybe you were a secretary, or maybe an insurance agent like me. Who knows, but you weren't just your job. Additionally, who were your friends? Who were you known for being with them? Were you funny, ambitious, outgoing, quiet, witty, or super smart? Whatever it was you were not just a wife, a digital artist, or someone who was funny. You were a combination of these things, or maybe a combination of something else, but the point is you were not only one thing. As a mother, raising a child takes up so much of our time sometimes our focus can shift only to being a mother. And while it is important for your child to be a priority, it doesn't have to be your only identity. For example, I would go absolutely crazy if I couldn't work from home. Seriously. I complain to my husband all the time about my job and this and that and all the drama that goes on, but I have no idea what on earth I would be doing if I didn't have something to do outside of mothering our child. And now I have my blogging, and should I ever quit my job (Lord willing) I will also be able to blog and have an identity outside of just being a mom as someone who shares their life and journey to healthier living. And call it what you will: a passion, a hobby, a side job, whatever makes you comfortable, but do SOMETHING! Truly it will help. If working out is your thing then take some time each day just dedicated to that. If entrepreneurship is your game, try setting up a blog or YouTube channel. If you like baking or cooking or homemaking or sewing or whatever it is, do that, and then make a goal for yourself. Make it something you can actually accomplish. Don't go, "I want to be fully supported by YouTube income only" and then get upset when it doesn't work. These sorts of goals will only discourage you and put more mounting stress on your already overwhelming plate. I suggest a small goal or something manageable like: "I want to learn how to make bread from scratch" or "I want to get one workout every weekday out of the week" or like in my case "I want to write two blog posts every week." Whatever it is, make a goal and stick to it and you will be able to stick to it if your goal is actually feasible. So try your hand at something, make a goal, and work towards that. Even if it is as little as fifteen minutes of your day spent working towards that goal, that fifteen minutes is going to move the dial forward and help you see progress. And that's really the key here because parenting is a long game and most often we don't see the progress we make until eighteen years later when our kids are moving out and we don't even get to enjoy the fruit of our labors. So having something like this, that you can focus on completely separate from your mom life, while also seeing progress being made here and there, will be very encouraging and can help make you feel more fullfilled in your life as a mother.
5. Breakup with Social Media: or at least Take Breaks
That's right, break up with your social media. This can be kind of crazy but here's the thing. Social media is an escape. It is created to draw us in, entertain us, and make us feel engaged with everyone who is on there. But not only can it drain so much of our time but it can also be really discouraging. Rarely do parents share videos of their toddler throwing a temper tantrum or their baby screaming and crying. It just doesn't happen so instead you see these "super happy" parents with perfect kids and it can seem like clearly you are doing something wrong because they are fulfilled, happy, and have perfect children and you do not. I'm here to tell you that no parent has a perfect child (not even myself, we're all human including her) and if you think that the content they are sharing online is what actually goes on every hour of the day then you are just kidding yourself. But here's the thing, when you're seeing that it can be hard to believe that. Additionally, aside from all the people with seemingly perfect children, there are so many influencers, businesswomen, and even just friends of yours that don't have kids that are posting the highlights of their childless life. And if you are already struggling with your role as a parent and you are only seeing the highlights and the highs of their lives, it can also seem like they are living more fulfilling lives with their careers, jobs, or platform, and that too can be incredibly discouraging. I'm not saying get rid of social media, but remember that you had that ex that you told you needed some space, tell that to Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, and whatever else is causing you harm, because it's not worth the mental energy. And this can be hard. We're wired to be addicted to these sorts of platforms and of course, they are specifically curated to catch our interest and draw us in so it's not like the fight is an easy one. But what I suggest, and I have this for my phone, is setting app times or "focus times" on your phone that blocks out certain apps either after you've spent a certain amount of time on them or during certain times of the day. This was really helpful for me when I was first trying to spend less time on Social Media.
6. Your Kids are Not Your Tasks
This sort of goes along with changing you're "have to" to "get to" but let me explain the difference. You can "get to" do the dishes and you can "get to" do the laundry, but that doesn't mean these aren't tasks. Your children, on the other hand, are not. It can be hard with all the parenting obligations you have to do (feeding, changing, burping, napping, etc.) to not shift your perspective and view your children as tasks to complete but it's essential to remember that they are people, individuals, who rely on us for their development. So for example, when I work it's hard for me to sometimes not treat my daughter like the task of nursing, changing, cleaning, and putting her down to play. If that were all she was then it would make sense that I would get frustrated when one or all those things don't go as planned. But here's the thing, she is a little person, and sometimes she doesn't need to be fed, she needs me to sit there and talk to her for an extra thirty minutes while she coos and smiles and does whatever else she feels like doing at that moment. Sometimes when I lay her down for her nap, it's not time for her to sleep, even if she typically goes down at one o'clock every day of the week. In some cases, that's the time she needs to look up into my face smile, and just stare at me while I do nothing but stare back at her. Sometimes all she needs is for me to hold her, almost all day, and none of the typical "tasks" of the day get done. But here's the thing, she's human, just like me and she's learning and developing every second and she needs me. She doesn't need me to do everything perfectly she just needs me to be there when she needs me. That's the difference. She's not a list of tasks I get to "check off" she's a little baby with needs, curiosity, and insecurities about the world she's been brought into and it's the opportunity I get as a mother to be there for her.
7. Take Some Time for Self Reflection
And lastly, take some time for self-reflection. If we are feeling disconnected in our role as mothers it is important we also identify why. We can do everything above, but unless we get to the root of the problem the issue is never going to be resolved. For me, it all boiled down to feeling like I had missed out on years with my husband that I wanted to spend before we had children. I also felt like I would never be able to accomplish my dream of being an author and that it would be virtually impossible to ever write again with a baby. But here's the thing, once I acknowledged the core reason why I was having trouble feeling fulfilled in motherhood, I was able to change my perspective. Yes, my husband and I will never be able to have those early married years without kids to do whatever we want without having to worry about children. But here's the thing, we will have time to spend together whether that's a week away just the two of us while grandparents watch the kids, a scheduled date night every Sunday to catch up or even the after-children stage which will hit us all too soon. It'll come, and it's not like we've lost our relationship or time spent alone together. Obviously, some things can't happen like we hoped they would, but it's not as dire of a loss as I had been subconsciously thinking it was. Regarding writing, I still have struggles with feeling like I will ever be able to publish, but since I've had my baby, I've had so many fewer demands from work that I actually have been able to write if I've found a moment to myself. Also, I am encouraged that now I have the experience of motherhood that I can accurately write about. It might not have been how I planned it, but I can still make it work. Identify where your struggle is coming from and this can help you either realize that you can still work towards that thing you have your heart set on, or rather, that the life you are living now is infinitely more fulfilling than life ever could be, and that is the start to curing your solution.
Resources
Becoming a new mom can be hard. Below are a couple of resources for new moms that focus on matrescence, which is the identity shift mothers go through after having a baby. This period can be really hard and here are some of the people I followed who talked about helping you overcome the postpartum period.
- Built to Birth Postpartum Course has a Matrescence Section.
- New Mother Caregiving is a postpartum doula who focuses on care after birth and helping mamas through Matrescence
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