Mom Guilt When You Are Actually Doing Something Wrong, How to Deal with Mom Guilt, and What to Do
It's no surprise that most moms you meet have experienced some form of "mom guilt" at one point or another, and most of the time it is over irrational things like giving your baby a strawberry before having them try every type of vegetable or putting your baby in not 100% natural fiber clothing for five seconds. However, sometimes, because we are human and prone to fail, we do things that actually fall short of the type of person we want to be, or things that go against our convictions. And if you haven't experienced mom guilt yet, you most certainly will in these instances. Whether it's not changing a diaper quickly enough and it develops into a rash, taking your eyes off the little one for a few minutes and something happening, whatever it is let me assure you that it doesn't make you a bad mom and the fact that you're beating yourself up over something is evident of how much you care. Nevertheless, I want to share a couple of personal tips from my heart that I used and use when I experience mom guilt beyond just the ridiculous or illogical stuff that I can typically rationalize as being unreasonable.
How to Deal with Mom Guilt
So friends, let me share a bit of my story with you, and why I decided this was a blog post I wanted to share. So not so much now, but definitely when I first started the whole motherhood / parenting thing, there were quite a few times when either because I wasn't paying attention or made excused for myself, something legitimately went wrong and I felt horrible. One example I still remember was that my little girl was fighting a pretty tough yeast diaper rash and I was just starting to air her out and really try alternative methods for treatment. It was getting close to naptime and I had already had a late start on work. She was already starting to drift off in the swing and I decided this one time not stop her and first change her diaper. Little did I know, she had a full poopy diaper and my poor baby sat in that through her whole nap while already suffering from a diaper change. I felt horrible, and I was putting convience and work first on my end which caused it to happen. Naturally, I felt horrible, and I realized that in addition to all the normal "ridiculous" mom guilt I had already experienced, this would be something else I would have to deal with. And let me be transparent with you all, this was not the only time something like this happened; where I made a choice that resulted in going against my values as a parent. So let me share with you just a couple of tips I learned that helped me acknowledge my shortcomings and move forward from them and not wade in guilt and disapointment in myself.
1. Confide Your Shortcomings in Someone You Trust
This might seem like the exact opposite of what you would prefer after doing something borderline neglectful, however, I find it really helps. For one it allows you to get it off your chest and confdisappointment intment in yours and in your parenting abilities to someone who is going to shed light and truth on who you actually are as a parent. For me, this is my husband, but for you, it may be your mother, a sister, or a close friend. It is just important that this person builds you up and does not continue to make you feel worse about yourself. I would also say it's important that this person doesn't brush it off as, "not that big of a deal." For one this is not productive, but for some personality types (mine included), it can feel disingenuous and shallow. This person needs to be able to say something along the lines of, "I understand where you fell short of your expectations, and what you did cause x, y, or z. However, the fact that you are taking this so seriously, shows that you care about your values as a parent, and these actions do not aline with how you typically conduct yourself day to day. Everyone makes mistakes, and helps us learn for the future, and hold tighter to our values. Beating yourself up over this, however, is not productive for you, or your family, and therefore you need to forgive yourself." Something like this allows you to acknowledge what happened without making excused for the situation but then also give yourself the forgiveness and grace that is necessary. This is why it is so, so important that whoever you confide in is going to be encouraging and not tear you down.
The other benefit of sharing your shortcomings with a friend or spouse is it provides some accountability. Now, I do not neccessarily think you need accountability for something that is a mistake that you already feel awful about, but here's the thing, you are reassuring YOURSELF that you are providing accountability. Therefore, even if it is something you are likely to never do again, at least you are creating a space in your environment and in your mind that reassures yourself that this won't happen again. This is more for you than for anyone - you are creating your own security.
2. Forgive Yourself
So this may be a touchy point, but I am basing this on personal experience. What I find is that if something goes wrong and instead of acknowledging where I could have done better and what to do differently for the future, I make a bunch of excuses for myself, I don't actually feel better about a situation. Instead, I like acknowledging the full weight of my actions, including the results and consequences and excactly when and where I could have done better. I'm not harder on myself than I need to be, but I also try and be very honest about what was my fault, what I couldn't prevent, and what my motives were (whether good or bad). After I have a true and accurate picture of the situation I tell myself that I could have done better, but that I forgive myself for falling short. It sounds a bit harsh, but I find that baring it under anything other than trutfruitlesse end. When I address an issue this way, I can really see how I can make improvements in the future. For example, one time my daughter picked up a throw pillow off the floor and started playing with it. I knew personally I didn't really want her playing with it because it had a hole in it and she could soffocate since she was only a couple months old at the time, but she was entertained and for the sake of convieince I let her play with it. Low and behold five seconds later she was chocking on the polyester filling in the pillow because she had discovered the hole and had started to eat it. Another parenting moment that I am not so proud of. Everything was okay, I was able to get the filling out of her mouth before it went down her throat, and said a quick prayer of thanks that I glanced her way when I did. And it all could have ended much worse. The motivation however behind that choice was a simple opt for convieinve, which in its own way is innocent and sane enough. Although it does not take away from the fact that one choice could have ended the day much worse, when it came down to acknowledging my shortcomings and understanding what I could have done differently, acknowledging that my motive was not to have my child choke on pillow fluff helped a great deal. So in my opinion, its important that you are honest with yourself in order so that you can forgive yourself.
3. Make the necessary changes
So probably an obvious next solution to mom guilt when you've done something wrong is to make physical changes that prevent the same thing from happening in the future. For the example of the pillow, I threw the pillow away almost immediately, so that I would never be caught in the same situation again. As for the diaper changes, I make it a priority to send my daughter to naptime or bedtime with a fresh clean diaper, despite the inconvenience. Not only does this solve the physical problem that is causing you guilt and stress, but it is another way to set up assurance for yourself that this mistake is just that - it is not a lifestyle. Having that sort of security can really help you overcome mom's guilt when bad things happen.
4. Take Matters Up in Prayer
This last point is probably the most contraversail, and I understand that not everyone will appreciate this final suggestion. However, from my experience, this is what helps me the most when dealing with guilt and disappointment. Bathing a situation in prayer, whether that be for future wisdom and prevention, broken healing, or just thankful prayers of gratitutde that nothing seriously damaging or lifelong happened, I try to cover these situations in prayer. For me, nothing helps set me on the right path better than praying through a sitution, and I do not want to pride myself in thinking I ever have it all together - even when it comes to things like dealing with guilt. I encourage you, if you are a mother to pray often and seek wisdom from the Lord. Not only will He help you in your times of weakness, but He will also be there to lean on when you are experiencing some of the traditional "ridiculous" mom guilt that all us parents experieicne at one point or another.
Conclusion
I truly hope that this post was encouraging to you, be sure to share this with any other struggling mama's out there. Until next week!
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