Sleep Training Journey Update: Cosleeping, Bedsharing, No-Cry-it-Out, Teething, and Sickness
Happy fall friends! I absolutely love the cooler weather and sweaters and I hope you are slowing down your season and getting some much-needed rest before the holiday season takes over. Today is a topic I want to share, and one I've been avoiding because it is a pretty sensitive subject and there is a lot of judgment on both sides regarding infant sleep and what is considered "normal" or "healthy." If you are familiar with my previous blog posts, we bedshared with our daughter until she was four months old and then we "sleep trained" her by building sleep associations and security around sleeping in her own bed. You can read more about what we did here in "How to Transition Your Baby from Co-Sleeping to the Nursery, Sleep Training Without Cry-it-Out." And just as a note, I definitely plan on using the same methods we used with our first for our second when it comes to the whole bed-sharing and "sleep training" thing. HOWEVER, lately, things have been, challenging to say the least. Something that posed itself as a huge challenge was, our baby began mobile, and although I am still so in love with the Montessori bed idea it just wasn't going to work in a house that is under renovation. So needless to say, we decided to pull out the traditional crib, and let me tell you we had all sorts of sleep setbacks. We had built all of her sleep associations associated with the floor bed but the crib threw all sorts of problems into the mix. No longer was I able to lay next to her and rub her back to sleep on the nights she was having a bit more trouble. She didn't like the crib mattress and her little legs and arms often slipped through the bars of the crib waking her up. During this time too, she was teething and often upset and crying. It was just a really horrible time to introduce the crib, but it was a necessity to her increased mobility and things not being 100% baby-proof yet.
Push came to shove, we went back to a lot of bedsharing, or room sharing (her mattress on our floor) and definitely nursed to sleep for every nap and night. I was getting discouraged and she began waking up numerous times in the night wanting to nurse in order to be comforted back to sleep. Additionally, it was almost impossible to lay her back in the crib without waking her up, and there were several nights I found myself falling asleep in the rocking chair. I say all this not to complain, but to show you where I am having difficulty with sleep. After almost a month of disrupted sleep and daily contact naps, I decided I really needed to find a solution for her sleeping. So we decided to night wean. We haven't gotten to the point where she does not wake up at all during the night, but we are close (down to two feedings, which to you might not sound all that impressive but is a HUGE milestone for us). This almost completely solved our issues as we both had to learn (her and me) a new normal to sleep comfort. This took away nursing as the primary method of comfort and sleep and helped us both find alternative ways to soothe to sleep, both in the daytime and at night. I will share more about our night weaning experience once I feel like it is a little bit more established and probably after we get down to zero feedings during the night. In the meantime, I want to give you some tips of encouragement on how to mentally deal with the stress, discouragement, and strain of sleep regression (for whatever reason). These strategies really helped me retain my sanity and I hope they will help you if you are currently struggling with a little one who won't sleep.
1. Remember This is Just a Phase
Something my husband kept telling me over and over was "this is just a phase, she will not always wake up through the night." Even though this "phase" of hers lasted kind of a long time, it was encouraging to be reminded that this is not something I will always have to wrestle with. Additionally, it gave me so much more patience and grace when dealing with my little one. Instead of considering her sleep regression as "the new normal" and thinking of it as a "phase" I was able to provide her the comfort and security she needed while transferring to this different sleep environment. It also allowed me to give myself grace. Where I was feeling like I was being a bad parent for not doing traditional "sleep training" or not making her sleep in a crib since birth or all these things that flash through my mind at four in the morning, instead it allowed me to realize that this was just part of growing and learning and that she needed me to comfort her then and she needs me now and eventually she won't need me at all. Having this mindset really allowed me to accept this "phase" as just that - something she will grow out of.
2. Try to Take Breaks / Switch "Night-Duty" with Your Partner
Now I say all that to say, still give yourself some breaks. I had to come to the realization that sometimes I just needed to switch with my partner and have him go in and comfort her during one of her wakings. Sometimes I would be rocking her for an hour straight and she would still be fighting sleep, and I would have to wake him and switch so that I could get a quick mental break or a quick nap in before taking back over. Sometimes this is a necessity and it can definitely be hard, especially if you are a more type A personality that thinks things need to happen in a specific way. Just take a deep breath, know sometimes nights are going to be tough, and take breaks when you can.
For anyone who does not have a partner who can help them out for nightime, try asking a friend or babysitter to help with daytime. Even if you can just grab in an extra nap or have someone there with you during naptime, this can be really helpful in getting that mental and physical break you need in order to keep going.
3. Try to Get Some Sleep During the Day
Probably a given, but if you are lacking sleep at night because of sleep regressions, try and get at least one nap in during the daytime. If you are contact napping anyway, take the opportunity to also rest instead of reading or scrolling on your phone. It's really important that you don't drain your physical energy while dealing with this more difficult time in your baby's development. Sometimes I just take my daughter into my bed for naptime and the two of us catch up on some much-needed sleep. It definitely can feel tricky to include this into your day if you already feel like you are falling behind on chores and household things, however recharging your own stamina is really important for productivity.
4. It's Okay to Let Your Baby Cry *Please Read Before Judging*
This is my disclosure: I do NOT mean cry-it-out. I mean, sometimes babies are fussy and sometimes babies are just not going to be consolable. This is okay. If you are there right beside them, cuddling them, rocking them, even just having your hand on their back you are supporting them even though they are upset. It took me a while to recognize that this was different than cry-it-out. But here's the thing with cry-it-out. With cry-it-out, you (their caregiver) are absent from their view and comfort. In response to this, a baby will then cry to alert its mother to return. However, if you leave your baby until they eventually fall asleep, instead of them "self-soothing" which is often what we are told is happening, instead the baby responds by shutting down out of exhaustion and out of a survival response similar to that of abandonment. Therefore they are not self-soothing but rather quieting themselves so that in a hunter-gatherer society they would not be in danger. This is why cry-it-out has to happen more than one night in a row to actually work, because a child once reunited with its mother will not expect to be left again. However, when it becomes routine, the baby adjusts their natural response in order to protect itself. Alternatively, if you the mother are with your baby comforting them and loving them and not just leaving them, your baby will not respond as if you have abandoned them. They may still "cry themselves to sleep" but it's different from shutting down because your child has given up on trying to reach you. Once I understood that, it gave me the freedom to let go of a lot of mom guilt and frustration I had associated with these night regressions. I had been feeling like "Well what's the point" but after coming to the realization that I was still supporting her and being there for her, it helped me push through the tears and cuddle her to sleep - even if that meant she was also crying. So take a deep breath, if your baby is crying its not the end of the world, as long as you are there they will be fine.
5. Allow Yourself and Your Baby to Take Some Steps Backwards
This last one can definitely feel like defeat if you are more of a competitive person like I am, but its important to remember that in the realm of motherhood, there is no competition. A couple of times it absolutely pained me to bring our daughter into our room for the night so the both of us could get some sleep. She had almost been entirely independent sleeping in her own room and it felt like a major setback. I had so many doubts about "giving in" and "being a pushover parent" and it frustrated me on so many levels. But I had to come to the realization that when it comes to children, there are a lot of grey areas and you need to have grace for yourself and them. I am a very black-and-white, cold-turkey type of person so oftentimes it seems like things are one way or another. But motherhood has really taught me that a couple of rough nights do not determine the daily. I've had to come to grips that some nights she sleeps in our bed from the time she goes down until morning, and some nights she sleeps in her bed. Does that mean she isn't sleep-trained? No. Does that mean she's never going to sleep in her own bed? No. Does it mean I may have less time to myself? Maybe. But does it mean that she won't get better? Absolutely not, and in fact, we've already made leaps and strides when it comes to sleeping in the crib. She had learned to soothe herself (not through cry-it-out) in so many different ways through my husband and I patiently adapting to her current sleep needs. I was utterly shocked the few nights she slept on a mattress on our floor that literally all I had to do was set her awake on her back and she was out. I am still surprised that she is completely fine being rocked to sleep without nursing for naptime. So all that to say, take some steps back, truly. Things don't need to be cut and dry, cold turkey, and they don't always have to be black and white. In the world of sleep, sometimes you need to bring your children into bed with you to muscle through a difficult phase of their development. It's all part of the seasons and changes of motherhood. I hope this is encouraging to you and that you tired mamas out there get the support and rest you need during some of these more challenging times.
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