The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of Co-Sleeping, What to Know Before Co-Sleeping
Out of all of the "crunchy" mama things I had decided I was going to do, co-sleeping was NOT on that list. In fact, that was the one thing I was absolutely determined NOT to take part in. However, once your little baby is here and things happen like your house not having heat during the winter freeze, things start to change and you learn to accommodate the ever-changing world of parenting. But here are some things to know about co-sleeping whether you are like me and absolutely sure you are not going to do it, or are 100% on board all of the attachment parenting trends like co-sleeping.
Disclosure: I am not a medical professional and co-sleeping is generally not recommended. However, I know this is a controversial topic which is why I'm sharing my experience. At the end of this blog post, there will be some suggestions on how to co-sleep safely as outlined by La Leche League. I recommend that should you decide to co-sleep that you follow their guide in order to make sure you are co-sleeping as safely as possible.
Co-Sleeping
So first we'll go into a little story time about how I even started co-sleeping, because I promise you, until that little baby came, I was adamantly against the entire thing. So two situations led to our co-sleeping. One was the very first night we had our baby, we were sleeping in a hotel. Let's back up a moment so you understand why we were in a hotel. My husband and I decided to have our baby out of state because of the birth care we would receive there. The birth centers in our area would not work with insurance because the insurance companies in our area were very difficult to work with, and the standard of care in our state was typically a hospital setting. We were close enough to a birth center out of state that was very equipped for different birth experiences and had multiple midwives on staff, unlike the birth centers in our area. However, they were still two and a half hours away from our home, so we decided that we would get a hotel so we did not have to travel back the same day. So as you might imagine, hotels aren't necessarily equipped for a newborn, so we didn't have a crib or bassinet (we hadn't thought to bring one) and the only other place to sleep was another queen-sized bed (there were two in our room). Well as naive first-time parents, when we returned to the hotel after having our baby we set her down on the other bed, surrounded by barriers so she wouldn't all off, and expected that she would just fall asleep. That of course did not happen, and instead what ended up happening is we spent several hours trying to help her go to sleep meanwhile losing hours of sleep ourselves. Oh right, and none of us had slept in three days either so we were utterly exhausted. I tried nursing her, and then of course she was almost asleep but then I had heard so many things about not letting your babies fall asleep by nursing so I'd wake her back up, try and set her down in the other bed, and of course she'd cry, I'd nurse her and the cycle continued. It didn't help either that my milk hadn't come in, so she was getting increasingly frustrated with the slow rate at which the colostrum was coming. Anyway, it was just a disaster and here I was concerned about her nursing to sleep. Oh silly me. This is why you should NOT take this sort of advice regarding newborns. It's misinformation and it just makes your life more difficult. If I could have told myself ANYTHING it would have been "Just nurse your baby and ignore what everyone else is saying." I struggled with a lack of supply, self-esteem, and anxiety because of this sort of information so be cautious about well-meaning mamas who don't remember what it is like with a newborn. Even sleep experts say not to worry about nursing your baby to sleep until your baby is at least four months. A four-month-old baby is much different, just remember that. Anyways, so I continued in this drowning cycle when my husband finally suggested we just put her skin to skin with me, have me nurse her, and get some sleep. Praise be for that man because I don't know what I would have done without him. He had actually suggested we do this in the first place, he said it didn't seem right for a newborn baby to have such a harsh start with reality, but my mind was still swarming with all the "recommendations" from supposed experts and other mamas. As a result, we co-slept that night, and I finally got the sleep I needed after three days without rest and hard labor. Now, in my mind, that was a one-time event. Right? Wrong. Coming home I had the same sort of issues and, a little wiser from the first day's experience, bed-share before tackling the hours of sleeplessness. Eventually, my milk came in, my baby started being more comfortable with her new world, and I started considering putting her in her own bed. This was around the second week of birth. I had started putting her down for naps in her bassinet, only it was just now starting to get really cold. We had purchased our HVAC unit earlier that year and it was supposed to be being installed sooner rather than later but a winter freeze was coming, and I wondered whether or not the unit would get installed before the freeze. Well, it didn't, and our state was COLD! A couple of nights my husband and I woke up and we could see our own breath. Needless to say, we were forced to continue co-sleeping. It wasn't until we got certain electrical hookups to put in heaters and our fireplace working that we even had the option NOT to bed-share. And to be honest, we had already gotten so comfortable having our little one next to us that before we knew it, we became bed-sharing parents. Our situation is MUCH better now, but looking back I'm thankful it forced us to bed-share. It wasn't what I initially envisioned, but I wouldn't change it for anything. Our daughter is older now and we only bed-share on occasion, but in case you are like me and thought this would never be you, I thought I would share my story since anything can happen to make you change your mind.
1. Co-Sleeping Does Not Have to Be Permanent
Probably the thing I dreaded most about the issue of co-sleeping was the fact that many people I knew who co-slept did so until their kids were five and that was just not okay with me. Now, I don't want you to think I care that those people co-slept until their children were five. I could care less, it's not that I thought that was a bad choice, it was just a bad choice for me, and I knew that. I knew I would not be able to co-sleep with any of our children in my husband and my full-sized bed. It just wasn't happening, and I was NOT about to go out and purchase a king-sized bed. For one, our house just isn't big enough to hold one in any room, and two I wasn't thrilled with the idea of having a kingsized bed post-child bed-sharing, so that wasn't an option. But one thing that IS an option, is temporary bed-sharing. Yes, I swore I would never bed-share, but here's the thing. According to La Leche League, between 60 to 75 percent of breastfeeding, women bed-share at some point. And the reason being, it's just easier. I would not have been able to get the sleep I got postpartum if I did not bedshare. In our case, it was more dangerous if we DIDN'T bed-share because we didn't have HVAC in the coldest part of winter during a winter freeze. And honestly, I don't even regret it. Co-sleeping doesn't have to be a forever thing, and once I realized that it made everything so much better. Scientifically, babies can not build habits or sleep associations until AT LEAST four months of age. This means whatever you want to do regarding getting your baby to go to sleep is not going to build a bad habit for at least four months. And with co-sleeping? Well, what we did is when four months rolled around we started partially co-sleeping. Every night we'd start our daughter in her bed, to build an association with it, and after the first fuss, we brought her into our room. Eventually, I started just going in at night to feed her, and then having her fall back to sleep in her bed. By six months, she sleeps in her bed probably 70 percent of the time, the other time only coming into our room after my husband leaves for work around 5 in the morning, or if she is under the weather. And honestly, I'm fine with that. I know eventually she'll stop coming into our bed altogether, but this works for us right now, and this situation I would be fine with this even if it lasted until five years of age. But even if you do co-sleeping beyond four months, it doesn't mean you are "screwing" your baby over for life. My aunt co-slept with all her children as long as they needed. She had phenomenal sleepers who never had an issue going down for naps for their babysitters, family members, or during vacations. I love to go by the saying, "It works until it doesn't" (which, pardon my lack of knowledge, I don't know who actually first said that, but Shayla from Hey Shayla says it all the time so I think she came up with it) but that's the gist of it. Co-sleeping might work excellently for the first seven weeks. Great! After that, if it's not for you, you can change that. Nothing is permanent and nothing has to last longer than you need it to.
2. Bed-Sharing is Not the End of Love-Making
Although I'm slightly embarrassed to admit it, this was the number one reason I did not want to bed-share. In my opinion, the bed for was me and my husband and I wanted to keep it that way. For me, bed-sharing meant the end of late-night date nights, bedtime movie nights, and my husband and my hour-long evening conversations we'd often have in bed while cuddling. I just didn't see how any of these things could continue to happen while bedsharing with a tiny baby. Fast forward to postpartum, one, you don't care about any of this. You might think you might (I certainly did) but you won't even care to hug your partner until AT LEAST two months postpartum, I promise you. There are just so many trainwrecks going on emotionally, hormonally, and physically that this will probably be the last thing you are thinking of. But, when you do, it also doesn't have to end. If anything bedsharing made us be slightly more creative outside of the bedroom. If you have a guest bed you can always go there, but if you are like us and literally don't have anything you can get creative on the living room sofa, the rug, the bathroom, the closet... You get the idea. Essentially, it's not the end. Just be intentional, communicate your needs with your partner, make sure you're on the same page, and then just get creative. And honestly, not all activities have to be nighttime activities. Likely your baby is bed-sharing for all their naps, and in that case, take the liberty to enjoy the privacy of your bedroom in the daytime. Who knows it might become your new normal. Anyways, that's the end of that, I'm not going into ANY MORE detail, that's up to you and your partner. Just know - it's not the end.
3. Co-Sleeping Can Be An Incredibly Sweet and Bonding Experience
Something I would have never known had I not bed-shared is how sweet co-sleeping can be. There is this thing my daughter used to do when she would sleep next to me, which she doesn't do now that she's older, but she would stretch her little face with her eyes closed shut and move her head from side to side. Typically she had a super cute smooshed cheek too and she would have just finished a midnight snack. Honestly, it was the sweetest and cutest thing ever, but she only did it at night and I don't have any photos or videos of it. Just the memory of waking up to my little baby nursing so sweetly by my side and then stretching her little squishy face as she adjusted back to a comfortable sleeping position. Absolutely precious. And I got to experience that every day, several times a night until she grew out of it. And it never got old. I remember thinking how much I loved it when she did that, and I knew every time she did it, that she would not do it forever, so I soaked it up. Beyond that, I loved feeling my little baby breathe so peacefully and softly next to me, and I loved the way she would grasp onto my shirt, finger, or face just to make sure I was still beside her. Still, I find she wiggles her tiny body close to me and cuddles her face in next to my chest when we bed-share. These are moments I would never trade and memories I will cherish forever. Bed-sharing may be hard, it may cause you to loose sleep sometimes, and there will be a time when it comes to an end, but it can also be an incredibly sweet bonding experience that supplies you with intimate memories you will forever have with your baby. No one else, just you. Not even my husband has those sorts of experiences with my daughter the way I do. So take a deep breath, and realize this is just a season like everything else and that like anything there are good, bad, and ugly things, but the good only last so long so cherish them.
How to Co-Sleep Safely
This information on co-sleeping safety is from La Leche League and you can access the Seven Sleep Safe Types here. You may not intend to co-sleep or maybe you are already co-sleeping, either way, I suggest checking this website out because this is great information even if you end up having your baby in your bed just one night. But here are the tips La Leche League suggests for co-sleeping along with some others I've discovered along the way. The first seven are from the La Leche League site and the other ones are my suggestions.
1. Be a Non-Smoker
According to La Leche League, in order to bed-share with your baby as safely as possible it is essential that neither you nor your partner (if they are also bed-sharing) be a smoker, either inside or outside the home. Although the site does not go into great detail about the reason for this safety requirement, likely it has to do with the baby breathing in secondhand smoke as they sleep from your or your partner's breath, increasing the risk for complications. In this case, it would be best for your baby to sleep in a bassinet near enough for you to still tend to their needs but not so close that the smoke is impeding their lungs.
2. Sober and UnImpaired
Probably one of the more obvious requirements for bed-sharing is you or your partner (if they are also bed-sharing) cannot be drunk or impaired. The obvious reason for this is impairment may cause you to roll over onto your baby or not be as careful as to where they are in regards to the edge of the bed. As a rule of thumb, I try not to drink any alcohol before bed if I am bed-sharing, just in case. Alcohol suppresses your senses and causes overall drowsiness making you less in tune with your baby's needs and potential dangers.
3. A Breastfeeding Mama
According to La Leche League, bed-sharing is safest if the mother is a breastfeeding mama. The reason is breastfeeding mothers naturally position themselves in a relationship with their child in a way that is safe and protective of the baby. Additionally, the baby is drawn towards the breast and not towards the mother's face meaning the baby is out of the way of potential suffocations like pillows. According to La Leche League, this position looks like this: "Your knees come up and your arm tucks under your head or pillow, or curls around your baby, creating a protected space. There’s no way for you to roll toward your baby because your bent legs won’t let you. And no one else can roll into the space because your knees and elbows are in the way." Additionally, La Leche League supports that approximately 60 to 75% of breastfeeding women bed-share at one point or another, even if the baby starts off in a crib. Another interesting point about breastfeeding mothers and co-sleeping was brought up in episode 37 of the Hey Shayla podcast where Shayla interviewed Lactation consultant Natalie Johnson from @standing_so_tall. What Natalie brought up is that when breastfeeding mothers and babies bed-share their sleep cycle syncs and they both go into deep sleep and light sleep together. This is why mothers will often start to wake up and then hear their babies start to cry. I have had this happen numerous times, even after our daughter moved to her own room in her own bed. She suggests that this is because of the fact that mothers are breastfeeding their babies and following the baby's cues and natural rhythms. This would be an additional reason for breastfeeding mothers being the best candidate for bed-sharing because of this sleep connection and cycle.
4. Healthy and Full Term
Another potentially obvious requirement for co-sleeping is your baby should be healthy and full-term. If you have a premie baby that is particularly weak and small, this baby will be at greater risk for bedsharing. It does not mean you can never bed-share, but bed-sharing from the start is probably not the best idea since there are just so many risks involved.
5. On His/Her Back
According to the National Institutes of Health, back sleeping is the safest method for babies. Additionally, it is even more important that babies sleep on their backs while bedsharing as this minimizes the chances that babies will suffocate. I also notice, that when my baby sleeps on her back, she typically spreads out her arms, taking up more space on the bed. This means that my husband and I naturally give her more room and are less likely to run into her.
6. Lightly Dressed
Babies who bed-share with a parent should not be heavily dressed as this can cause them to potentially overheat. Now in our case, in the middle of December, we bed-share with our newborn because our AC unit did not work and we had a winter freeze. Our house was so cold we woke up and saw our own breath in the air. In THIS case, make sure your baby is warm, especially since you will want to avoid a lot of thick blankets like comforters in order to avoid suffocation, however even still we did not bundle her up; my husband's and my body heat did most of the warming. But in most situations, this is not going to be your situation and it is best to keep your baby lightly dressed. Don't worry, your body heat will keep the baby warm, and if it helps, sometimes when I bedshare and I worry about how cold my baby might be, I sleep topless (yes we've all done it once or twice), and dress my baby in a light nightgown or t-shirt. If I need to put on extra layers, that gives me an idea about how cold she may or may not be. But honestly, your baby will likely not need more than a shirt. Most times when I bed-share I just put her in a diaper and do skin-to-skin. I've never felt her be cold while doing this. Now you might be wondering why this is so important. Well in short you just don't want your baby to overheat. As a rule of thumb, it is better for your baby to be a little cold than too hot. So play on the safe side and dress your baby lightly.
7. Safe Surface
And the last sleep-safe suggestion by La Leche League is to make sure you and your baby are on a safe sleeping surface. A bed that is too saggy or soft can cause your baby to sink in towards you or your partner and get stuck and suffocate. Additionally, if your bed is too soft, this may impede your baby's ability to raise their bed out of the bed which can also increase your baby's risk for suffocation. Recliners, sofas, and beds with large gaps between the mattress and headboard are not safe surfaces. It is also best if you clear your bed of any unused pillows, blankets, comforters, toys, and anything that could potentially wrap around your baby's neck like a string, hair fastener, soft belt, or anything like that. It is also important to check for potential sharp points on the bed, anything that might pinch the baby, and how far your bed is from the floor. Some parents put their mattresses on the floor for this phase of life, just to ensure their baby will not have a far fall. For us personally, we removed our boxspring in order to lower our bed.
8. No Swaddle
This suggestion was actually provided by Farmhouse on Boone, however, it was also something I was in a habit of avoiding anyway. Swaddling prohibits your baby from stretching out their arms which suppresses the startle reflex. This is very important because if you or your partner are getting too close to the baby, the startle reflex can actually help alert you to the danger of being too close. Swaddling also minimizes the movement your baby can make which means if you or your spouse is a particularly active turner and this causes the baby to roll onto their side or their face they cannot help push themselves up and are at a greater risk of suffocation.
9. Be Aware of Your Hair
Remember the La Leche League guidelines for a safe sleep surface? Well, one potential hazard for co-sleeping is your own hair wrapping around the baby's neck, especially if your hair is particularly long. Now I ended up cutting my hair to shoulder length after my baby was born because I just needed a "hair reset" after damaging my hair with extremely harsh water and pathetic shampoo (literally like dollar tree stuff) but I suggest if your hair is long enough to be a potential hazard to braid it before going to bed.
Resources
Below are a couple of resources regarding co-sleeping if you want to look into the subject more for yourself.
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