Unexpected Pregnancy How to Prepare for Motherhood
When I first found out I was pregnant, it was quite the surprise. My husband and I had not even been married a full year yet and we hadn't planned on having our first kid for at least a couple more years into our marriage. At the time, our house situation was not ideal for a new baby, we were both going to work full-time, and we didn't necessarily know anything about raising children. Here are just a couple of suggestions to help overcome the bundle of surprise and stress of finding out you're a new parent.
Unexpected Pregnancy
When I first discovered that I was pregnant, the first thing that I struggled with was being able to call myself a mom. I hadn't planned on getting pregnant so the whole parenting thing hit me from out of nowhere. It felt so strange at first when people would call me "mama" or "new mother" or anything like that, and I remember feeling like I was going to be a bad parent because I was feeling disconnected from the idea of being a mom. First, let me put that myth to rest: you are not a bad parent, and it's completely normal to feel out of your skin for something so new and unexpected. You are worried about being a good parent because you care and because you want to get it right. So here are a few tips I used when becoming a new mom to help me acknowledge my fulfillment in motherhood.
1. Take Some Time to Process
If I could have made one suggestion to myself before taking a pregnancy test it would have been to do so either on a Friday evening or on a Saturday? Why you might ask. Well if you are not expecting to be pregnant and you have not been trying to get pregnant, it can be pretty shocking when you first find out. As someone who was taking a pregnancy test for the first time, I purchased a pregnancy test on my way to work on a Thursday morning and took one in the office bathroom to rule out all suspicion of being pregnant. Of course, I was in fact pregnant, but it would have been better for me to take that test when I had time to think over what I just discovered. Its a lot less of a shock when you can find out in the comfort of your own home when you have time to think about it instead of at work when you still have an eight-hour shift to work and the Friday to follow that. My husband and I were so surprised, we ended up both calling in sick the following day (Friday) because it was just such a surprise to us and we needed time to process it. Now, probably at this point, you've already taken the test either when you had time to process it or not. But I suggest, if you haven't already, take some time with your partner, or if you do not have a partner, a parent (preferably your mom), or a close friend or sister, and just take some time to process. Vent about your concerns, maybe even grieve a little bit, but take time to process what you have just discovered because this is a life-altering event and it can really be important that you take that time to yourself to really wrap your mind around what the heck is going on.
2. Make a Game Plan
Now that you have some time to process the next step to preparing for the unexpected is to figure out what needs to change and how to accomplish that. For us, we realized pretty quickly we needed to move and figure out something with our jobs. While our renovation/rent home was fine for a single married couple who enjoys renovation projects, it was not okay for building a family and raising kids. So the first thing we realized is we needed to either buy a place of our own or get a finished rentable apartment. Secondly, I needed to be able to work from home, so I had to work that out with my current employer or find a new job. So it was pretty straightforward what it is we needed to do to prepare for our baby. Now in your case, it might not be so clear so I suggest writing a list so you don't get overwhelmed and so you have a clear direction of what you need to do. Babies really don't need a lot, but say if you are going to formula feed as opposed to breastfeeding, that might be something you want to write down because you will have to account for the cost of formula. Same thing with diapers. If your living situation needs to change, that's the first place you start. For us, breastfeeding was going to be our most financially appropriate option, and we decided to cloth diaper for the same reason. You do not need to make all of your parenting choices either, just the basics: Where are you going to live? Who will help you? What will your baby eat? And what will your baby wear? Just starting here can make things much easier to tackle because otherwise you can get caught in all the "what ifs" and "how tos" and everything from where your baby is going to go to school to your style of parenting. Don't worry about all that right now. Most of the decisions for that sort of stuff will come when the time is right. Just focus on what you need to do to have a baby and get that accomplished.
If you realize you can't do it on your own, either establish people who can help you. I do not want to necessarily address the issue of you not wanting the baby because I understand that that is a very weighty and difficult choice to make. However, if you find yourself in that predicament I can not encourage you enough to please reach out to a pregnancy support agency and see about the adoption requests for babies. I have known several women in my life who have been on an adoption waiting list for years because they are unable to have a baby themselves and your sweet darling child will be loved and cared for by someone if you are unable to. I strongly suggest that after thinking over your pregnancy, if this is something you have decided is what you must do, that you go this route.
3. Get Over Guilt
Right before I found out I was pregnant, my cousin who I was very close to had a miscarriage. She had gotten married a week after my husband and I got married and she and her husband wanted to start their family off early in their marriage. I remember how devastated I was when I found out she had a miscarriage but I did not feel guilty, that was until I found out a couple of weeks later that I was pregnant. The weird thing is, when you get pregnant unexpectedly, without trying really at all, it can seem like it is selfish for you to be enjoying (or not enjoying) the experience of pregnancy and motherhood when so many other women cannot have that opportunity. One of the reasons my husband and I chose to wait until well into the second trimester before announcing our pregnancy was out of respect for my cousin because I knew it might be hard for her to hear I was pregnant when she had just lost a child, especially when she knew my husband and I hadn't planned on having children for awhile. And although I had this weight of, almost guilt over being pregnant when she wasn't here's the thing. You are not responsible for anyone else's loss. A miscarriage is devastating and no one deserves that, but it doesn't mean you don't deserve the little baby growing inside you just because he or she came unexpectedly. It can seem like maybe you aren't worthy of a little one when that's not what you wanted, but here's the thing, your story is not their story. Although my cousin could have been hurt by hearing about my pregnancy, it is not my job to not embrace motherhood because of her. Does that mean I'm not sensitive about her loss? No, not at all. Did I still wait to announce my pregnancy out of respect? Yes, and I would do so a hundred times. And would I ever flaunt my pregnancy in her face when she was grieving? OF COURSE NOT! But I will not allow myself to feel guilty over carrying the child I was blessed with because that sweet life was given to me, whether or not I planned for it. It does not make her a bad person, in fact, it makes her an incredibly strong individual for dealing with what she went through, but it does not mean I need to feel guilty over being pregnant. And this may or may not be an issue for you when it comes for unexpected pregnancies, but I know in my case it was.
Now because I want to resolve the story of my cousin and I, I'll summarize it quickly, and for everyone else who doesn't care you can skip to the next point. My cousin came down to visit before the day I was planning to announce my pregnancy. In preparation for our visit, I had planned on telling her privately that I was pregnant and wanting her to understand that I did not expect congratulations and that I wanted her to not feel any sort of way. I do not think this is always the best route to go because it can put the other individual in a difficult position, but because of our friendship, and because some of our extended family members can be insensitive about issues regarding miscarriages, I wanted her to have a sort of heads up before being bashed with somewhat rude comments. However, when she came down to visit, we talked about her miscarriage and caught up on life and she and I both shared together that we were pregnant - she was having a rainbow baby. We hugged and cried a little and then went out to lunch. We were able to stay in touch our whole pregnancy about baby stuff and shared resources about breastfeeding and natural birth. I don't want to minimize her experience, because having a miscarriage is beyond anything I can imagine and just because she found out she was pregnant soon afterward, and had a beautiful baby boy, does not mean her miscarriage was not incredibly hard and meaningful. Loss is not something that your simply remedy and I negate anyone who says loss can be healed by simply "filling" in the void. I am, however, immensely thankful that we were able to share the joys of pregnancy and birth, and now, the raising of our children.
4. Try to Identify the Things you are Excited for
So of course, once you've processed everything, made a game plan, and put aside any guilt you might have surrounding the situation, it's time to actually get excited about having a baby. Now don't get me wrong, this does not mean that you will no longer magically be stressed, sad, or even depressed, anxious, and afraid sometimes because you will likely be all of those things sometimes, even if you were planning on having a baby. What I am saying is, now that you are able to process this immense life change, try and find something to be excited about. Whether it's cuddling your baby, teaching your baby to walk, reading board books to your baby, buying baby clothes, whatever it is, find that thing and dwell on it. For me, I literally couldn't wait to breastfeed. My mom had breastfed and my grandmother had breastfed then become a lactation consultant, and then fought for women's education and assistance in the hospital for breastfeeding. So for me, breastfeeding was not only a way to connect with my baby, but to connect to my mother's and grandmother's heritage. It made me feel closer to them and because I had lost both of them by the time I was nineteen, it was something I greatly looked forward to. But whatever it is, get sort of hyped up about that, and don't let it be something you put aside. If you are thrilled about setting up a nursery, then set up a nursery. If you want to breastfeed, look up everything you can to make that a possibility. And if you are just so excited about cuddling your baby, make sure you get those baby snuggles in when that time comes. There will be something, and I encourage you to try your best to make that want a reality. Although I was so excited to breastfeed, when my baby came I didn't realize how much I loved contact naps. I adored snuggling that little baby close to my chest all nuzzled up close to me. And so, other things will come too, but make sure you focus on the thing you are excited about now. Because here's the thing, in all this confusion and new parenting expectations that sort of just came over you overnight, it can get pretty overwhelming and burdensome. But if you have little things or moments, that you can look forward to, it can make wading through all the difficulties a little bit easier.
5. Try to Build a Social Network
So this one I did not do when I was pregnant and even still have a lot of trouble doing now that I have a baby, but try and build a social network, and what I mean is try and connect with moms like you. So in my experience, I had my cousin, and that was wonderful to have her, but she lived nearly five hours away and it just wasn't feasible to get together throughout our pregnancy. Also, we both worked from home and so we didn't have a lot of time to talk on the phone or text. So although I had her, our interaction was minimal. But other than her, I really didn't have anyone else. I was already in a weird position with my friend group that I had since high school because I was the only one married (actually the only one in any sort of committed relationship) and when I began pregnant we all seemed to have infinitely less in common. A lot of my friends were still in college, some of them were just starting college because they had taken gaps in their education, and our lives were just not the same. On the other hand, the other individuals I had in my circle were parents of multiple children, mothers who were on their second or third baby, who were full-time stay-at-home moms who did not work. Now there is nothing wrong with them either, but again, I just couldn't really share my experience with them because we were in such different phases of life. The only friends I really hung onto who I felt like I could still remotely relate to were those who were about my age or older and were pursuing their careers and considering relationships or already married. I had one friend in particular who I remained close with, and another I became friends with because she married my husband's best friend, but other than these I had my husband and I and my mother-in-law. Now why am I even bringing this up? Well for two reasons. One is when I found out I was pregnant I was worried it was going to affect my friendships, and it did. It's one thing to be the married one in the friend group but everything is completely different when you are the only parent. So for a while, it felt like I really didn't have any friends, and things changed between the people I called friends. This actually made me feel pretty lonely at times. But two, because having friends can make the journey easier. Although my cousin lived so far away, it was essential for me to have someone I could share my current experience with and talk to about potential parenting expectations. And now that our babies are born, we can continue sharing our experiences and excitement as we encounter each and every stage. If you can, because I personally find it difficult to make friends as an adult, but if you can, try to build a network of people who are at the same phase of life. Whether that means you need to connect with a local parenting club in your community or take a pregnancy class in person, whatever it is try and make some friends that you can share this journey with. It will make the process all the less lonely, and all the more fun.
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